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BACK TO : Blackadder's Christmas Special
Special Blackadder's Christmas Carol Narrator: In the reign of good Queen Vic, there stood, in Dumpling Lane in old London towne, the Moustache Shoppe of one Ebenezer Blackadder -- the kindest and loveliest man in all England. [opening theme] He's kind and gen'rous to the sick He'd never spread a nasty rumour He never gets on people's wick And doesn't laugh at toilet humour Blackadder! Blackadder! He's sickeningly good Blackadder! Blackadder! As nice as Christmas pud. [as this is sung, we see a man merrily enjoying some carolers, and nicking something from their donation bin (I think that's what it is, at least); also, a boy wanders through the streets, picking pockets] [Scene: inside the Moustache Shoppe. Baldrick is dusting off a mustache which is on a stand.] Ebenezer: [from outside the main door] Humbug! Humbug! [enters, holding a bag of candies] [holds out the bag, in offering] Humbug, Mr Baldrick? Baldrick: Oh, thank you very much. [takes one] Ebenezer: Well, I've got all the presents... Baldrick: ...and I've nearly finished the Christmas cards. Ebenezer: [taking off his tall hat] Oh, splendid! Let me see... [opens up a card he has picked up from the desk] "A Very Messy Christmas." I'm sorry, Mr Baldrick -- shouldn't that be `merry'? Baldrick: "A Merry Messy Christmas"? All right, but the main thing is that it should be messy -- messy cake; soggy pudding; great big wet kisses under the mistletoe... Ebenezer: Yes... [going to hang up his coat and scarf] I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas -- or, indeed, any other time -- is to make a pass at a water closet. However, be that as it may... [Baldrick gives him the card again] "A Merry Messy Christmas." `Christmas' as an H in it, Mr Baldrick. Baldrick: Oh... Ebenezer: ...and an R. Also an I, and an S. Also T and M and A... ...and another S. Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr Baldrick! Something of a triumph, I think -- you must be the first person ever to spell `Christmas' without getting any of the letters right at all. [He takes the bag of presents he brought from outside into the back room.] Baldrick: [following Ebenezer] Well, I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play. Ebenezer: Oh, of course! How did it go? Baldrick: Well, not very well -- at the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died! Ebenezer: Oh, dear! This high infant-mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do? Baldrick: Got another Jesus. Ebenezer: Oh, thank goodness. ...and his name? Baldrick: `Spot'. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead. Ebenezer: Oh, dear... [moving toward and eventually sitting on a chair near the fireplace] I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was "Woof." Baldrick: [as Ebenezer removes his shoes] Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool-- Ebenezer: ...on some other dogs. Baldrick: Yeah... and the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride! Ebenezer: Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren't the children upset? Baldrick: Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter -- they want to see us nail up the dog. Ebenezer: Ah, the playful young scamps, eh? Still, what a lovely thought it is: at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas. [Scene changes to a room in Buckingham Palace. Queen Victoria enters, followed by the chair-bearer (what's the proper name for such an individual?), and approaches Prince Albert, who is wrapping something. He speaks with a ridiculous accent.] Victoria: [knowing that Albert's wrapping a present for her] What are you doing, Albert? Albert: [hiding something] Nothing... Victoria: Oh yes you are, you naughty German sausage! [sits] Tell me what you're doing... Albert: I just said; I'm not doing anything! Really, woman -- when you're busy ruling India, you don't tell me what >you< are doing... So why should I tell you what >I< am doing when I am busy wrapping up this cushion for your surprise Christmas present? Damn... Now I have only two surprise presents for you... Victoria: Oh, dear Alby, don't worry -- I don't mind. Albert: I >dowhat< traditional Christmas adventure? Victoria: You silly soldier! You know: when we disguise ourselves as common folk and go out amongst the people to reward the virtuous and the good... Albert: Oh, yes! Of course! Dummkopf! [stands] How could I forget? [he shouts something in German] [He reaches down, to pick up something and starts unwrapping it.] For it is for precisely such an outing as this that I have bought you my finest surprise present: this muff which I am going to give you tomorrow-- Damn... Damn... Damn... [As he falls to his knees, Victoria pushes his face into her bosom.] [Scene changes back to Ebenezer's living room. He and Baldrick have just finished setting things on the table.] Ebenezer: Ah, excellent, excellent. What a splendid spread: nuts, turkey and presents. What more could a man desire at Christmas? Baldrick: Well, a tree... Ebenezer: Oh, of course -- I'd quite forgot. [he heads to the front, shop room] I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's Garden Emporium, and, I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain [he opens the front door and steps out to fetch something] on this special Christmas Twig. [steps back in, closes the front door] Baldrick: It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it? Ebenezer: Yes, but size isn't important, my friend; it's not what you've got -- it's where you stick it. [sticks the twig into an empty candle stand] Besides, look: we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks! Baldrick: How much is it? Ebenezer: Seventeen pounds and a penny. Baldrick: It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor. Ebenezer: Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life we are rich indeed. Baldrick: Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger. [The doorbell rings.] Ebenezer: Well, bless my ten toes! Who could that be on this cold night? [Baldrick opens the door. Mrs Scratchit enters, carrying a basket.] Ebenezer: Ah, Mrs Scratchit! Greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve. Scratchit: [crying] Oh, Mr Blackadder!!! How can I be merry when we are so poor we shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day? except what Grandfather can scrape from under his big toenail... No goose for Tiny Tom this year!!! Ebenezer: Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and he's built like a brick privy! If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop. [this is all said in the nicest way possible] [Scratchit bawls] Ebenezer: [As he walks around the counter] Oh, pardon me, but, look, look, there must be something we can do... [points inside her basket] Ah! That box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need. How much did they cost? Scratchit: [holding up the box, suddenly not crying] A quid a match. Ebenezer: Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts... [Scratchit puts on her crying act again] Ebenezer: [rushing round the counter] ...oh, but, but it's Christmas Eve, so here: take ten pounds. Scratchit: So you don't want all the matches, then -- there's seventeen of them! Ebenezer: Mrs Scratchit, you have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius! Here: seventeen pounds, then. Scratchit: [quite happy, speaking rather like having completed a swindle that she has done many times before] Lovely! [leaves] Ebenezer: [calls after her] ...and my best wishes to your massive offspring! [Baldrick closes the door] Baldrick: So: we had seventeen pound and a penny, and we've given Mrs Scratchit seventeen pounds, so that leaves... Ebenezer: [sighs, holding up the penny] Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick; seventeen pounds and a penny minus seventeen pounds leaves...? Baldrick: [looks at the penny while thinking, then speaks with confidence] Thirty-eight pounds, eight shillings, fourpence! Ebenezer: Not bad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is in fact a splendid shining penny. [The door opens; a boy steps in and speaks] Boy: Merry Christmas Eve, Mr Slackbladder -- I mean Blackadder! Ebenezer: [approaching] Ah! and to you, young urchin! Boy: A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker -- I mean sir? Ebenezer: [looks at his penny, knowing it's all he has] Erm, well... [Boy fakes a tantrum] Ebenezer: Well, certainly! Here! [tosses penny over] [Boy catches it and immediately runs off] Ebenezer: [steps out, calling after Boy] Er, going to buy some cake and pie for yourself and your silver-haired mother? Boy: Nah, sod that -- I'm off to the gin shop. Ebenezer: [returning inside] Che! They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em. Oh well -- another year without profit! Still, it >is< Christmas, and let us remember, Mr Baldrick [he takes the candle stand which holds the twig, and returns to the back room], that, be we as stony as a biblical execution, it is still the season of good cheer, and we have all our Christmas treats: nuts, turkey and presents. [A ghastly high-pitched cackle pierces the air.] Ebenezer: [looking out the back window] Oh! and my God-daughter, Millicent! [he takes picks up a pair of ear muffs] Er, secure the ornaments, Mr Baldrick [he puts the ear muffs on], and let her in. [while Baldrick is gone, he speaks to himself] So, we'll put all our presents under our little tree: A scarf for me, a pair of gloves for Mr Baldrick, and a hat for Millicent. [Millicent cackles as she enters. Baldrick comes in a short while later, with handkerchiefs stuffed in his ears.] Ebenezer: Ah, Millicent! To what do I owe this excellent pleasure? Millicent: Oh, I just thought I pop round, you know, just on the off chance. Well, you know, Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents... Ebenezer: It is indeed, and, look: [picks up the hat] a lovely hat for my dear God-daughter. Millicent: [quickly snatching it from his hands] Oh, thanks. [looks at the items still on the table] Oh! and look: [picking up things as she mentions them] a scarf and a pair of gloves to match! Well, that's not bad, I suppose. [cackles] Ebenezer: [making sure his earmuffs remain in place] Yes, jolly good. Millicent: I'm sorry I can't stop. I thought perhaps I might come back tomorrow at >lunchtimeare< sweet!!! [turns to leave] Thanks... [cackles as she leaves] Ebenezer: Bye! [removing the earmuffs] My, what a jolly young girl. Baldrick: Yeah -- pity she nicked all the presents. Ebenezer: Yes, but I thought you and I would be spoilt enough with the turkey and [picking up a bowl of nuts] this mountain of nuts we have. [The doorbell rings.] Ebenezer: Well, peel my tangerines! This >is< [?]! [In the front room, Beadle enters, followed by three extremely fat orphan boys, whom he warns to stay behind him and not push.] Ebenezer: [from the back room] Ah, Beadle! Charmed, honoured, and lovelied in every possible way! [Baldrick hides the turkey in his coat as Beadle and the orphans enter the back room.] Beadle: [to the shoving orphans, who all are trying to fit into the room] Get back! [to Ebenezer] Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir. Peace on Earth, and fat tums to all men. Ebenezer: Well, indeed, indeed... and what of your little orphan charges? Beadle: Well, I don't think I charges them enough, as a matter of fact. Luckily, you're here to cover up the shortfall, Mr Blackadder. They're looking forward to coming tomorrow, perhaps bringing a little surprise for you... Ebenezer: Oh, surely not another totally unexpected rendition of `God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder'... Beadle: Not for me to say, sir. All I can say is that it's Christmas as usual, except, sadly, we've managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day... [he and the orphans all lean toward the bowl of nuts. Baldrick, behind the orphans, jumps up and down trying to see.] Ebenezer: Oh, well, what luck! As fate would have it, we have some. Here: help yourselves. [the orphans all prepare to grab them] Beadle: [stopping them] No, sir! No, sir, I couldn't possibly take them from you! Absolutely not! [picks up the bowl] Is this all, is it? Ebenezer: Yes... Beadle: Well, it'll have to do, then! [gives bowl to orphans, who scramble hungrily around it] See you tomorrow! [laughs as he and orphans leave] Ebenezer: Well, what a jolly fellow! Baldrick: Looked like a fat git to me. Ebenezer: Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn't judge people from outward appearances. Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, and, inside, you'll probably find a-- Baldrick: ...>thin< git. Here; those orphans were a bit fat, too. Ebenezer: Well, there's some truth there. [goes to sit in fireside chair] Certainly, when I go and visit them, I do tend to remove all sharp objects for fear of bursting one of them and getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies... But what of it? As long as they're happy... Baldrick: [removes turkey from his coat, puts it on table] Well, at least we've still got our turkey! [goes over to Ebenezer] And -- who knows? -- Christmas is a time for miracles, so, maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us... come on! Ebenezer: [complying, reluctantly] Oh, dear innocent Mr Baldrick... [After a short pause, the doorbell rings.] Baldrick: See? Ebenezer: Well, baste my steaming puddings! [He and Baldrick go into the front room. Baldrick opens the door; Victoria and Albert are there, badly disguised. The chair bearer also is there (sans chair). Sappy "good-news" music plays.] Ebenezer: Ah, good evening, sir and madam. Victoria: Good evening. We have come here on a mission to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve. [Baldrick smiles.] Ebenezer: Good heavens! [looks at Baldrick, rather stunned] Albert: [not hiding his accent] ...and we have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity. Ebenezer: Oh, well, one tries... Victoria: So, please... Ebenezer: Yes? [Sappy music stops suddenly.] Victoria: Give us ten pounds for the virtuous old lady next door. Ebenezer: Ah, well, we'd love to oblige, but I'm afraid we haven't anything to give. Albert: Surely you must have something... What about a goose? Victoria: [slightly turned on] Oh, >Albertdo< hang your sock out, Santa will be dead before he gets within a hundred yards of it! Don't you have any other socks? Baldrick: I've got one other... [raises a leg] Ebenezer: Oh, don't worry about it, my dear fellow. Take one of mine from the linen cupboard. I'm off to bed -- there's nothing else to stay up for. Good night, Mr Baldrick. Baldrick: 'night 'night. Oh! By the way -- I forgot to mention: When you were out there... [the violin is now replaced with spooky noises] ...there was this enormous ghostly creature coming here saying, "Beware! for, tonight, you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation!" [the spooky noises stop suddenly] I just thought I'd mention it. [spooky noises start up again] It come through the wall, it said its piece, and then it sodded off. [noises stop again] Ebenezer: [chuckles] Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. [he leaves into the stairway to his bedroom] Baldrick: 'night 'night. [he goes to sleep in the chair] [Scene changes to Ebenezer's bedroom. He is lying in bed, and is woken by someone saying a spooky "Woo!" The door to the room falls in, as steam and green light comes through. Also coming through is a large bearded man holding his hands out, wiggling his fingers spookily, saying the "Woo!" He steps in and laughs deeply, and begins to thrust his arms about, then does more, quicker, "Woo!" noises, getting sillier. Eventually, Ebenezer, rather unfazed, speaks to the man (`Spirit').] Ebenezer: Can I help? Spirit: [speaks with Scottish dialect] No thanks, no, no no... I just popped in to say `hello'. [shakes Ebenezer's hand] Spirit of Christmas; how do you do. Just doing my usual rounds, you know: a wee bit of haunting, getting misers to change their evil ways. But you're obviously such a good chap [pats Ebenezer on the knee], there'll be no need for any of that nonsense, so I'll just say `cheery-bye'. Cheery-bye! [turns to leave] Ebenezer: Well, can I get you a cup of tea or anything? Spirit: You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more, er, medicinal...? Ebenezer: Oh, I see... I've only got some of Nurse McCready's Surgical Bruise Lotion. [motions where it is] Spirit: [picks up bottle] Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh? [eagerly opens it, sits `backward' in the chair next to a mirror and dresser, begins drinking] Mmm! Delicious. Well, this is a nice change from all those skinflints. You know that old fellow down the road? Bags of money! I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draught excluder! Ebenezer: Oh, dear... old people today, eh? Tell me: How do you get them to change their ways? Spirit: Well, it's all visions these days. We used to use black-and-white line drawings, but the visions are more effective. Ebenezer: Well, what sort of thing? Spirit: Well, it depends, really. With some people, it's just a glimpse of their behaviour at school behind the pennyfarthing sheds... Er, some other people, well, we just show them how rotten their ancestors were. Of course, with >your< ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour-ten vision with a break and ice cream. Ebenezer: Oh, dear! That bad, were they? Spirit: Och -- did nobody tell ye? Stinkers to men! Oh, perhaps you'd like to see... [waves his free hand about and twiddles his tongue] [Scene changes to Elizabethan England. Lord Edmund Blackadder looks very bored at his servant, Baldrick, who is offering him a Christmas cracker. They are just outside the throne room.] Baldrick: Come on, My Lord! Give it a little pull! You know you want to! It'll be ever so exciting! Edmund: [gives in] Oh, God... [he pulls the cracker as Baldrick winces in anticipation of the crack, but there's only a little squeak] Yes -- terrifying. Baldrick: And, look, there's a surprise present for you inside. It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend. Edmund: Oh, just what I've always wanted. [crumples it] Baldrick: Have you got anything for me? Edmund: Oh, it's nothing, really. Baldrick: [charmed] Oh, Sir... Edmund: No, it's really nothing. I haven't got anything for you. [walks to a large curtained object] I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen. [pulls the curtains open, to reveal a portrait of the Queen] She'd better she'll bloody like it -- she dropped enough hints. [shuts the curtains] Gah, that woman's about as subtle as a rhinocerous horn up the backside. [lifts the portrait] Door. [Inside, Queen Elizabeth I and Nursie are tearing apart coloured- paper chains. Edmund enters, carrying the curtained portrait.] Edmund: Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy. [puts the portrait down] Don't you just love it? Elizabeth: No -- I hate it! In fact, I've just abolished it. Edmund: I'm sorry...? Elizabeth: I ought to block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and kill anyone I see carrying a present. [looks at the portrait] Edmund: Oh. [lifts the portrait and prepares to leave] Elizabeth: [points at portrait, speaks demandingly] What's that, Edmund? Edmund: This? ... It's a window... Elizabeth: A window? Edmund: Yes, but you seem to have one here, so, sorry to disturb you... [exits, leaving her baffled (Nursie just grins brainlessly)] [Outside, Edmund hands the portrait to Baldrick, who holds it from the bottom, so it covers his face. Edmund closes the door, and pulls open the portrait's curtains.] Edmund: Well, so much for that. [punches the Queen's face in the portrait; his hand goes through the canvas and hits Baldrick's face. He then motions to Lord Melchett, who approaches] Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp. Melchett: ...and compliments of the season to >youlove< presents! [Edmund rolls his eyes, unhappy about the Queen's wishy-washiness.] Elizabeth: [to Melchett] You know, for a moment I took against Christmas, but I'm completely dippy about it again. In fact, I'd like to marry you! ...if you weren't as unattractive as a giant slug! Melchett: [laughing] Oh, pish, Majesty! Elizabeth: But, anyway, to reward you, I'm going to give you >lots< of presents! Um, fancy a castle? Melchett: Well, Windsor, Majesty... Elizabeth: ...title? Melchett: Duke of Kent? Elizabeth: ...anything else? Melchett: Well, a devilish saucy wife would be fun. Elizabeth: [thinks] Lady Jane Pottle! Melchett: Oh, yummy! Elizabeth: I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment, but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky... Edmund: No, of course not, Ma'am... and perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen... Melchett: Oh, I don't think we need go that far, Blackadder... Edmund: Oh, too kind... Melchett: No -- Aylesbury's quite far enough. Elizabeth: Super. Well done, Melchy. And, now, Blackadder, what have you got me? Edmund: Erm... Elizabeth: I WANT A PREZZY!!! Give me something nice and shiny; and if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you, and it's called an axe! Edmund: Erm, well, well... [looks down at his person hoping to find something] Elizabeth: Right! That's it. Any last requests, Blackadder, before I chop your block off and put it on top of the crimble tree? Edmund: [still searching his person, comes across the novelty death warrant] Er, well, there is one, actually, Ma'am: You know how much I've always been a great admirer [motions his hand to and fro between she and Melchett] of you both -- I was wondering if I could just have your autographs, erm, to keep me company during the final, tragic, lonely hours... [he already has handed her a quill] Elizabeth: Oh, all right. [signs] Edmund: Ah, there. Thank you, Ma'am. [moves to Melchett] And, Lord Melchett [gives him the quill]...just there... [Melchett signs] Thank-- [looks astonished] Oh! Dear me! Elizabeth: What is it? Edmund: Why, this piece of paper that Your Majesty has just signed turns out to be some sort of death warrant! Elizabeth: Oops. ...and I can't go back on it without destroying the whole basis of the British Constitution... Edmund: I fear not! Elizabeth: Is there a name on it? Edmund: Well, yes, there is, actually... It says, "Lord"... er, I can't read this terrible childish writing... er, "Lord...Mel...chett" ... "Lord Melchett"; that's it. Melchett: [trying to grab the paper from Edmund] Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am! It's a trick! You've been tricked! Elizabeth: Oh, good! Christmas is a time for tricks and japes and larks of all kinds. Tell you what, Blackadder: that's so brilliant, I'll execute Melchett instead! Edmund: You're very kind, Ma'am. [Nursie looks at Melchett and laughs maniacally] Elizabeth: ...and I suppose that means that everything of Lord Melchett's becomes yours. Edmund: I suppose it does. [he presents a hand to Melchett and snaps his fingers; Melchett gives him the crown; he gives the crown to Elizabeth, who is delighted] Merry Christmas, Ma'am... [Scene changes back to Ebenezer's bedroom.] Ebenezer: [with a slight grin] Good lord! Spirit: Horrible, eh? [stands, goes to the bedside] What a pig! Ebenezer: Yes, although clearly quite a clever, charming pig. [Spirit is shocked] But, no, as you say, his behaviour...disgraceful. Spirit: Ah, you're a great improvement on them all. [pats Ebenezer's knees again] You're a good boy... Ebenezer: `Them'? Are there more? Spirit: Oh, yes! Have a shufti at this! [waves his arm and makes "Woo!" noise] [Scene changes to Regency England. Edmund Blackadder, butler to the Prince Regent, enters the vestibule outside the Prince's quarters with his own servant, Baldrick. He is carrying a red sack.] Edmund: Right, Balders... [puts sack on a chair] I'm sick of getting no presents and the Prince Regent getting the lot, so this is the plan: We play our traditional game of charades, and, when he gets bored and asks for a story, you come out here [lifts the sack up a bit], stick the dress and the hat on, and then knock on the door. I'll take it from there. Have you got it? Baldrick: Got it... Edmund: Yes, well, you certainly will get it if you mess this up. [Inside, Prince George tries to wake Lord Horatio Nelson, who sits in a chair, holding a drink in his left (and only) hand, with an eyepatch over his left eye. Edmund and Baldrick enter.] Prince: Ah, hurrah! Welcome, lads! Oh, this is the stuff, eh? Christmas sherry and charades with honest manly fellows. I mean, for Heaven's sake, what can I do with a girl that I can't do with you, eh? Edmund: I cannot conceive, Sir. Prince: Yes, well, there's that, I suppose. Now; who's first up for the game? I'd ask old Horatio here, but he's out of it, I'm afraid; so it's, er [points at Baldrick], what, it's the little monkey fellow first, then, is it? Edmund: It is indeed, Sir. Prince: Ah, excellent! Oh, I love charades... [goes over to sit in a chair] Edmund: OK, off you go, Baldrick. [Baldrick steps in front of them, then opens his arms like a book.] Edmund: It's a book... Baldrick: Well done, Mr B! I didn't think you'd get it >that< quickly. Prince: Well, I must say, Bladder, that was damn clever! Edmund: Yes, another great Christmas tradition: explaining the rules eight times to the Thicky Twins. The round hasn't in fact started yet. It's got to be a specific book. For instance, if it was The Bible, I would go like that [holding up two fingers] to indicate that there are two syllables in it... Prince: Two what? Edmund: Two syllables. Prince: Two silly bulls? I don't think so, Blackadder -- not in The Bible. I can remember a fatted calf, but, as I recall, that was quite a sensible animal. Oh, ah! It's it, um, er, Noah's Ark, with the, er, two pigs, two ants, and two silly bulls? Is that it? Edmund: Two syll>aanamed Georgemassive collection of Christmas presentsBaldrickwas< the real Queen and Prince Albert. Ebenezer: Don't be ludicrous, Baldrick -- what would the Queen be doing here? Baldrick: Well, she'd come to visit you to reward you for being the nicest man in England, by giving you fifty thousand pounds and the title of Baron Blackadder. Ebenezer: Baldrick, it couldn't have been the Queen; because, when she visits people, she leaves them her Royal Seal. Baldrick: What, like this one? [takes seal out of a pocket] Ebenezer: Yes, just like tha-- [he stares at it in disbelief] [end theme; credits] Blackadders Ooh ooh ooh ooh! ROWAN ATKINSON Woo ooh ooh ooh! Ooh ooh ooh ooh! Baldricks Woo! TONY ROBINSON [repeat twice] Queens Elizabeth I / Asphyxia XIX MIRANDA RICHARDSON Blackadder! Blackadder! Di dum di dum di da! Lords Melchett / Frondo Blackadder! Blackadder! STEPHEN FRY Ti rum ti tum ti ta! Princes Regent / Pigmot Blackadder! Blackadder! HUGH LAURIE Ti rum ti tum ti ta! Spirit of Christmas ROBBIE COLTRANE Queen Victoria MIRIAM MARGOLYES Prince Albert JIM BROADBENT Nursie / Bernard PATSY BYRNE Beadle DENIS LILL Mrs Scratchit PAULINE MELVILLE Lord Nelson PHILIP POPE Millicent NICOLA BRYANT Ralph RAMSAY GILDERDALE Enormous Orphans DAVID BARBER ERKAN MUSTAFA DAVID NUNN Music by Howard Goodall; Sung by Sally-Anne Marsh, Costandia Costi, Natalie Cramer, Lydia Cumber Graphic Designer Properties Buyer Tom Brooks John Watts Technical Co-ordinator Camera Supervisors Mike Chislett Chris Glass, Roger Goss Visual Effects Designer Steve Lucas Vision Mixer Angela Beveridge Videotape Editor Chris Wadsworth Lighting Director Sound Supervisors Henry Barber Alan Machin, Peter Barville Costume Designer Make-Up Designer Richard Croft Vicky Pocock Production Assistant Production Secretary Jayne Spooner Hilary Charles Production Manager Assistant Floor Manager Sarah Gowers Lindsay Trenholme Designer Antony Thorpe Director Richard Boden Producer John Lloyd (C) BBC MCMLXXXVII [the following appears (in hand print) over the final screen] Merry Kweznuz A ^ Messy [crossed out] |